What Do I Say to an Adult Sexual Assault Survivor?

What Do I Say to an Adult Sexual Assault Survivor?

Sitting with a survivor of sexual assault and listening to their story is difficult. I know. I’ve sat beside over 200 survivors in my role as a volunteer advocate. The stories can bring out feelings of sorrow, outrage, anger, and helplessness. 

Most people don’t know what to do or say when someone close to them shares his or her story of being assaulted. The good news is that responding in a supportive way is strikingly simple. 

“I believe you.”

Believing a survivor is the number one way to support them. As an advocate, a friend or family member, you get to enjoy the blessing of fully believing what you hear. You don’t need to take sides or wonder if you’re hearing the truth. You just believe because that’s what a survivor needs the most. 

Trauma affects the brain and memory functions, and a basic understanding of that is important. Have you ever watched a horror movie and wondered why the characters ran to the basement rather than go outside? The answer is trauma! When we experience a traumatic event, the rational part of the brain shuts down, and our bodies react without conscious thought. Those reactions make no sense when viewed outside of the trauma. Often, what a survivor said or did at the time of their assault makes little sense – and that is completely normal.

Trauma affects memory, too. The part of the brain that records memories in the order they occurred also shuts down. This leads to memories of the event getting recorded in random pieces. Those pieces are in a part of memory that cannot tell time. That means a survivor will mix up the order of what happened and may give different accounts or remember something not remembered before. This, too, is completely normal. 

“It’s not your fault”

Survivors of sexual assault will take the blame for their assault. This often comes out as “should or shouldn’t haves” and can sound like, “I should have stayed with my friends.” You may agree that different choices may have resulted in a different outcome. However, it is important for you to remember that no matter what the survivor did or did not do, the only person responsible for the sin of the assault is the perpetrator. 

When you hear the survivor say something that sounds like they are placing blame on themselves, remind them that the perpetrator made his or her own decision to sin. It is not the survivor’s fault. Remind the survivor of this every time you hear that person try to take the blame. 

As an advocate, it is not your responsibility to tell them how to be safer or what to do next time. This will affirm to the survivor that it really is their fault. Your job is to listen, believe, and keep telling them it’s not their fault. 

“What do you want to do?”

Ask the survivor what they want to do regarding the assault. It may be that talking to you is all they need. Perhaps they want to tell someone else or go to law enforcement. Perhaps they are fearful and want help planning how to be safe. Don’t stop with asking the question, though. Your role as advocate is to help the survivor accomplish his or her goals. This is true, even if you think you have a better solution. The survivor knows what is best for them. By helping the survivor achieve state goals, you are helping the survivor begin to take back control. This empowerment is very powerful for the survivor.

A quick word of caution: you will be tempted to fix what. This comes from a loving and caring heart, from a place of wanting to help. This is not your problem to solve. Advocates are not fixers; rather, they walk beside the survivor, gently encouraging and supporting. The advocate role is one of listening and helping the survivor achieve his or her goals. 

“Jesus understands. He loves you.”

Always remind a survivor of Jesus’ love. Some survivors find comfort in knowing they have a Savior who also suffered abuse, and that he understands their pain. Remember the trauma we talked about earlier? When a survivor recounts what happened, their brain goes back into trauma mode. Share Bible stories with survivors rather than Bible passages. Stories are easier for the mind to comprehend and remember. The ones that you remember are the best for retelling since you’ll be most comfortable sharing it. Another option is to ask the Survivor what their favorite Bible story is and then recall it together.

Believing, removing blame, empowering, and sharing Jesus. It will not feel like enough, but it is exactly what a survivor needs.

Forget Me Not Flowers

Forget Me Not Flowers


“…the LORD gave [Joseph] success in everything…” – Genesis 39:3

“It could be worse.”

“It’s darkest before the dawn.”

“Something good must come from this.”

You’ve heard these. They’re meant well. They prove that we don’t process trauma well. Sometimes silence is best, right? If someone just sat with us until things got better.

But what if they don’t? What if abuse doesn’t stop? Anxiety never leaves? Therapies don’t work?

We could give in. We could do whatever makes us feel better. We could end it. If it’s not going to get better, why not kill myself?

And now you throw Genesis 39 into our face and show us Joseph’s success? I do. Mind you, he’s still a slave. God didn’t free Joseph. God didn’t suddenly make Joseph powerful. Those things happen. But first, Joseph spends years as a slave and in prison falsely accused of rape.

Joseph could conform. He could curse God. He could be a wicked, lazy, unfaithful servant. He could dole out physical and sexual abuse upon those below him. He could indulge in the sex his master’s wife offered. He could say, “God screwed me! Screw him!”

But he didn’t. Pay attention. Whether you’ve been abused, are being abused, or know someone who has. When Joseph holds firm to his trust in the Lord, he offers his body as a sacrifice to God: not conforming to the world, not doing what it wants, what makes us feel good, what’s most convenient.

Martin Luther said about Joseph: “The Word spoken by his father reigns in his heart…. ‘My father has taught me. No matter how long God wants to forsake me, I will hold out. My father has taught me to believe and to wait patiently for God’s help, no matter how long He postpones or delays. “Wait for the Lord….”’” Wait. God remembers. He remembers you. He wrote you upon his hands, the hands imprinted with the marks of nails that attached him to the cross. After going through such trauma for you, he doesn’t forget. In fact, he wrote his name upon you when he baptized you.

Father, lead me out of temptation. Forgive my sin. Bless me according to your will. Amen.

Rid of My Disgrace

Rid of My DisgraceRid of My Disgrace – Hope and Healing of Victims of Sexual Assault

As a Christian psychotherapist, I found Rid of My Disgrace to be a very well-researched, thorough analysis of the issue of sexual assault from both a clinical and biblical perspective. This is likely a reflection of the co-authors, John Holcomb, a pastor and professor, and his wife Lindsey Holcomb, who has counseled victims of sexual assault and trained leaders to care for them.

They quickly establish a tone that is compassionate, supportive, encouraging and Christ-centered to victims of sexual assault. I appreciated their emphasis on how “God restores, heals, and re-creates through grace” (p. 15) in contrast to secular notions of healing based on self-help, self-healing and self-love.

The book is divided in to three parts. In Part One, titled “Disgrace,” the pair provides a thorough, detailed definition of sexual assault that emphasizes the traumatic nature of such an experience for both female and male victims. They offer facts and statistics that put the epidemic of sexual assault into a sobering, somber perspective. The authors detail potential biological, psychological, social and spiritual injuries that can result from sexual assault. Again, I appreciated that they draw the reader back to God’s ability to heal when they write,

What grace offers to the victim experiencing disgrace is the gift of refuting distortions and faulty thinking and replacing their condemning, counterfactual beliefs with more accurate ones that reflect the truths about God, yourself, and God’s grace-filled response to your disgrace” (p. 45).

In Part Two, titled “Grace Applied,” the pair offer vignettes written by both female and male victims of sexual assault. These testimonies convey emotions and experiences that grab the reader’s attention and empathy. They then write about denial, distorted self-image, shame, guilt, anger, and despair. These are approached from a perspective that seamlessly combines sound clinical information with scriptural references. They do note how forgiveness is different than reconciliation, although I wish they would have expanded upon this even more, as often the two are considered one, which can be a significant hindrance to forgiving. The pair consistently point the reader back to Christ and Scripture as the source for all comfort and healing.

In Part Three, titled “Grace Accomplished,” the authors talk about how sexual assault is the result of sin—against the victim and against God. “In addition to being a sin against others, sexual assault is also a sin against God because the blessing of sexuality is used to destroy instead of build intimacy” (p. 170). They note how sexual assault can change how victims relate to other people, and also how they relate to God. They go on to detail grace in the Old Testament, emphasizing that, “Not only does God hear, God also sees. And out of hearing and seeing, God knows the suffering of people” (p. 180). The authors end with a chapter about grace in the New Testament that focuses on the redeeming work of Christ on the cross. “The work of Christ is to deliver us from suffering, corruption, and death, as well as from sin” (p. 207).

Overall, I found the book to be very informative and thorough. Its strengths seem to be in the details about what sexual assault is and how it can impact victims, along with the need for Christ for complete healing. Pastors and loved ones of victims may find this especially beneficial.

The book may leave some victims wanting more detailed strategies about how to heal, as it is not a workbook with exercises that might help one to apply the knowledge contained in it.

Buy Now
Author: Holcomb, Justin S. & Holcomb, Lindsey A.
288 pages

Reviewed by: Sheryl Cowling, LCSW, BCPCC, BCETS February 2015

On the Threshold of Hope

On the Threshold of HopeThis book is written by one of the leaders in the Christian community when it comes to understanding and counseling childhood sexual abuse (CSA). While Langberg speaks to survivors in this volume, it is also helpful reading for called workers, friends, relatives—anyone who is serving as a support system for those who have been affected by the sin of CSA.

Langberg not only has 25 years experience (as the book’s writing) of counseling CSA survivors, she also has a deep understanding of Scripture and a profound appreciation for the healing power of God’s Word.

Throughout the book she points to the Savior, Jesus Christ, not only as the Redeemer who lived for us and died for sin, but also as One who understands the pain of abuse. She writes,

You live in a world where you have encountered evil people. So did he. Some of you have known violence because of other’s twisted need to gratify themselves. So did he. He, too, has encountered darkness, chaos, and trash. He went to hell—the place of greatest darkness and chaos. He who is sovereign over all knows what it is like to have hideous things happen and not be in control. He who is our refuge knows what it is like to be unprotected, not only from the fury of the enemy but also from the wrath of God. He knows what it is like not to get what you need. He had no place to sleep. He who created food and water went hungry and thirsty (p. 165).

As the author walks the survivor through the healing process, she make it clear that the road to recovery is long and painful. Yet as the title implies, she indicates that there is a hope. This books helps survivors finds such hope, practically and spiritually.

If this sin has affected you, read this book. If you are a pastor, teacher, or staff minister, read this book. If you have a friend or family member who is helping someone who was sexual abused as a child, read this book. If you are a Christian counselor or social worker, read this book. You will learn what not to do and also what you can do to help victims of CSA become survivors.

Buy Now
Author: Langberg, Diane Mandt.
217 pages

Reviewed by: John D. Schuetze on July, 2015

Read the review by Sheryl Cowling, LCSW, BCPCC, BCETS

The wicked are proud of their evil

The wicked are proud of their evil

Two minutes of silence

Psalm 10:2-6

2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts about the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord.
4 In his pride the wicked man does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous;
your laws are rejected by him;
he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, “Nothing will ever shake me.”
He swears, “No one will ever do me harm.”

If we are going to walk down this road of being honest with God, we need to be able to voice what we see with our eyes. And that’s exactly what the Psalmist does in these verses. He sees that the wicked man is arrogant. He boldly goes after the weak without fear. And he boasts of what he does. He thinks it is just a game. He boasts of the cravings in his heart. He is so full of himself that he has no room for God. He has such a bloated of himself that he believes nothing will ever shake him.

If we are honest, this is a very accurate view of what it seems like in the world. It seems like the wicked get away with their wickedness and they are even proud of it. It makes us sad and angry that the wicked would ever have their day in the sun. There are no words to describe the agony of knowing that someone has gotten pleasure from our pain.

Prayer

Lord, do you see the arrogance of the wicked? Do you see how they boast about their wickedness? Do you see the pleasure that some have gotten from my pain? Lord, in your mercy, hear my prayer. Amen.

Two minutes of silence

nfo to Know When Seeking Counseling

Info to Know When Seeking Counseling


Brochures: View | Download

Informational brochures for dealing with mental health issues:

  • Ask a Therapist Brochure This brochure gives you important questions to ask counselors when you seek counseling and don’t have access to WELS counselors.
  • Christian or Non-Christian Brochure This brochure outlines potential concerns when a counselor is not a Christian, or is a Christian but not of your faith.
  • Mental Health Issues Brochure This brochure will guide you when you believe you might need counseling for mental health issues.
  • Therapy Models Brochure This brochure helps you sort out psychological terms and distinguish between different counseling processes.
  • When to Refer Brochure This brochure is written to help pastors determine when a member is in need of other forms of counseling in addition to the spiritual counseling he offers.

Check out our own Freedom for the Captives list of counselors.

Suffer the Children

Suffer the Children


Developing Effective Church Policies on Child Maltreatment

Although churches, synagogues, temples and other places of worship are increasingly implementing policies to protect children from abuse, the policies adopted are often inadequate and of limited value. This article includes ten concrete suggestions for faith institutions that will aid in developing and implementing policies more likely to keep children safe.

1. Consult with at least one child abuse expert in developing policies

A church elder recently contacted the National Child Protection Training Center to express his frustration that their insurance provider told them to implement a child safety policy as a means of lowering their insurance rate. The insurance provider even gave the church several sample child safety policies. Unfortunately, the policies were vastly different and inconsistent with one another. When the church elder askedfor an explanation, the insurance provider explained, “It doesn’t matter to us what policy you adopt, you simply need to have one.”

Church elders and other faith leaders must understand that very few, if any, insurance company employees have investigated, prosecuted, treated or otherwise have significant experience in working with sex offenders. The insurance company is primarily interested in limiting liability and thus they will advocate for some policy, but they are in a poor position to develop or implement effective policies.

Although faith leaders should certainly consult with their insurance provider, they need to make a concerted effort to consult genuine experts on child abuse. Contact local law enforcement agencies, prosecutors’ offices and sex offender treatment providers and ask these true experts to assist in developing policies on child abuse 3. Making these contacts in advance will also assist the church or other faith institution in working with these very departments if and when a case of child abuse arises within a congregation.

2. Understand that insurance providers and some law firms have a vested interest in preventing future abuse – and keeping quiet about past abuse

Not only are insurance companies and some law firms poorly equipped to advise on developing church child abuse policies, they also have a vested interest in primarily thinking about the future. The reason for this is that preventing future abuse will limit liability for the church and the insurance provider. By the same token, insurance companies have a vested interest in not developing policies that may assist in uncovering abuse that has taken place in the past – because they believe doing so will increase the exposure of their client to liability. This is also why, when issues of past abuse arise, insurance companies and some law firms encourage churches to keep quiet and to limit any internal investigation.

The danger of keeping quiet

When the leaders of Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia decided to publicly acknowledge their failures in responding to reports of sexual abuse by a youth minister and to apologize to the survivors, they were admonished by their insurance provider to keep quiet. 4 Specifically, they received a letter from their insurance provider’s lawyer advising them as follows:

“Do not make any statements, orally, in writing or in any manner, to acknowledge, admit to or apologize for anything that may be evidence of or interpreted as (a suggestion that) the actions of Vienna Presbyterian Church…caused or contributed to any damages arising from the intentional acts/abuse/misconduct” by the youth director 5.

Ironically, this sort of advice actually increases the chance a church or other faith institution will be sued by victims. This is because most victims are not interested in large monetary settlements – they are interested in public, unequivocal apologies, genuine church reform and compassionate assistance in addressing the medical, mental health and spiritual damage inflicted by the perpetrator. 6 Contrary to the fears of the attorneys, the church in Vienna has not yet been sued despite a public and unequivocal apology to those who suffered from abuse by a church leader. 7

A plaintiff’s attorney who has frequently sued churches for negligent handling of child abuse cases advises, “Doing the smart thing and doing the right thing is the same thing.” 8 This same attorney notes that if churches or other faith institutions focus primarily on taking care of the needs of the victim, “they will find it goes better for them after that” because “it just takes all the venom out of the situation.” 9

The danger of limiting the investigation

In addition to avoiding an apology or at least limiting public statements, some law firms recommend that churches conducting an internal investigation speak only to those who have revealed abuse, as opposed to speaking with all of those who may have been abused or may have knowledge of abuse. 10 This advice is contrary to best practices for child abuse investigators recommended by the National District Attorneys Association’s National Center for Prosecution of Child Abuse. 11

Since most victims will delay disclosure and many will not disclose until asked,12 failure to speak with all the children in the care of a sexual offender, or at least those children who share characteristics similar to known victims, will impede the ability of some children to share their experiences and access needed services. This failure will also impede the ability of the church to fully assess the conduct of a child abuser. Some law firms recommending a limited investigation suggest it may “re-injure” potential victims to ask them about their “sexual past.” 13 In reality, the parents of victims, and the victims themselves, are often outraged when they discover a church knew a perpetrator offended against one or more children and failed to fully assess the possibility there were other victims. 14 If a church purposely limits an investigation, and this abridged investigation results in a child abuser continuing to have access to children, this decision will almost certainly increase the church’s exposure to liability. 15 More importantly, it will send a disturbing message to the entire church body, particularly any survivors, that the church is primarily interested in maintaining a positive public image and has no interest in finding, much less helping all the children who may have been harmed by a particular church worker.

3. Limit the opportunity for sex offenders to access children

Dr. Anna Salter, a sexual offender treatment provider, states it is important for parents and child-serving organizations such as churches to avoid “high risk situations.” This is because “we cannot detect child molesters or rapists with any consistency” and thus “must pay attention to ways of deflecting any potential offenders from getting access to our children.” 16

Many youth organizations have prevented the abuse of children in their care simply by limiting the access of potential offenders to boys and girls. Child abusers count on privacy to avoid detection of their criminal behavior. When churches or other faith institutions remove this privacy it becomes more difficult for the offender to succeed. At a minimum, then, faith institutions should have the following policies in place:

Two-deep leadership. If at all possible, children should always be in the care of at least two church workers. Even if a worker or volunteer has to remove a child from the group for a legitimate reason, the child and the worker should always be in the eyesight of at least one additional worker or volunteer. When developing two-deep leadership teams, it may be wise to avoid placing close family members or friends as teams. This is because a spouse or other close family member is more likely to protect a loved one who violates church rules or engages in concerning behavior with a youth.

Respect for the child’s privacy. Sex offenders like to see children undressing or otherwise seek an opportunity to initiate conversation about sexual topics. Accordingly, workers and volunteers should avoid watching children undress in locker rooms, showers or bathrooms.

Separate sleeping accommodations. At boarding schools, camps or other overnight settings, there should be separate sleeping accommodations for children and the adults. If there is a reason for an adult to enter the sleeping accommodations of children at night (i.e., a child has become ill), the exception should be well documented and, if at all possible, two adults should be entering the sleeping area. When requiring separate sleeping accommodations, make it clear this means truly separate. In one case, an offender arranged an overnight with youth during which he had an adjoining room door he could easily open and otherwise gain access to the children he molested.

Limit, if not prohibit, events at a worker’s home. In one case, a youth minister had the children he was working with over to his house for a party in which all the children joined him in a hot tub where he instructed some of the children how to masturbate with the jets. Again, sex offenders seek private access to children and allowing a worker to be alone with children at his or her house increases the risk. If there is a legitimate reason for hosting an event at the worker’s home, have some rules around such activities— such as an additional worker present. In the same vein, there should be regulations on church workers visiting the homes of children. In more than one case, church workers have visited children at their homes and have molested them. 17

Appropriate attire. Adult workers and volunteers should wear appropriate clothing at all times. Activities such as skinny dipping should always be prohibited. Again, offenders look for opportunities to initiate inappropriate sexual conversations with their potential victims. Accordingly, sexually suggestive or otherwise inappropriate apparel or behaviors should be prohibited.

Sexual jokes, comments or behaviors around children should be strictly prohibited. In one case, a “Christian” teacher told the boys in his care about the frequency he had sex with his wife on his honeymoon. The same teacher would slam on the brakes when driving the school van and comment to the boys this was merely a “ball busting exercise.” A protestant worker at a church boarding school hosted a pizza party in which the invited adolescent girls were “accidently exposed” to his pornography collection. In another case, a Lutheran school teacher made frequent jokes and impersonations of homosexuals. Apart from the fact that all of the behaviors described run contrary to the teachings of any legitimate theological practice, there are two practical, compelling reasons that behaviors such as these should be strictly prohibited and result in immediate discipline. First, these behaviors may be used by offenders to invite sexual conversations with children in the hope of engaging in sexual activity. Second, these behaviors create a climate making it much more difficult for abused children to disclose their victimization. For example, a boy being sexually abused by his father, or who may wonder about his own sexual identity, may be particularly reluctant to expose this victimization when he is in the company of a teacher and attends a school that allows jokes about same-sex conduct.

Windows and open doors. There may be times when a teacher or other adult will need to be alone with a child, such as a teacher giving a child a music lesson. In such a scenario, it is important to have an open-door policy where fellow teachers or others can enter unexpectedly and to have windows on doors so others can see what is happening in a particular room. Again, sex offenders look for opportunities to abuse children and it is the responsibility of a youth-serving organization to limit these opportunities. 18

Prohibiting corporal punishment. Corporal punishment of children is prohibited in most schools, day cares and other settings. 19 There is a large body of medical and mental health research documenting that corporal punishment does very little good and is often harmful to children. 20 As an additional concern, sex offenders may view corporal punishment as a socially permissible means to touch a child’s buttocks or other intimate parts of the body. 21

4. Conduct a background check and oral screening of workers and volunteers

Many seminaries do not conduct background checks or any other child protection related screening of their students prior to their graduation. In some instances, seminaries have been sued for negligently graduating a sex offender and sending them on to an unsuspecting flock. 22 Despite their exposure to liability, many seminaries and other faith schools graduate students into congregations without having done a comprehensive assessment of possible risk factors. Even if a seminary has conducted some sort of screening, it is still wise for a local congregation to conduct both a background check and an oral screening of workers and volunteers. This is because the seminary may have conducted an incompetent screening or it may have conducted a screening upon the student’s admission to the seminary but did not examine behaviors that may have arisen during seminary training.

Although a background check is important, it will only reveal those who have been convicted of a crime against a child. 23 This is problematic because most sex offenders, even some who have abused hundreds of children, have never been charged much less convicted of a crime. 24 Accordingly, an oral screening of faith workers and volunteers should also be conducted. This screening may include:

  • Asking the candidate if he has reviewed the church child protection policy and what his thoughts are about the policy. Candidates who don’t believe such policies are necessary or express any hesitancy in abiding by the policies may not be child abusers, but they are also less likely to be vigilant in keeping children safe.
  • Asking a candidate interested in working with children the basis for that interest. In recommending this question, some experts suggest it may help locate workers and volunteers who understand their role is to help children and not the other way around. 25 Offenders are often ego-centric and seek children who meet their needs (i.e., “Children are non-judgmental and make me feel good about myself.”) as opposed to what they can do for children (i.e., “I think I’m a very good teacher and I can help children read and otherwise grow intellectually.”)
  • Asking a candidate whether they have any adult friendships. Some sex offender treatment providers have noted it is risky to place children in the care of an adult who appears to have no adult friendships or activities—and yet is frequenting settings and putting himself in situations where he has regular access to children. According to sex offender treatment provider Dr. Anna Salter, church groups should “be careful with men who involve themselves in youth activities and who do not have children of their own or children of that age. From church youth leaders to coaches to anyone who befriends your child, notice if they have grown-up friends and partners. If they do not, be very cautious about leaving them alone with your child.” 26
  • Give the candidate a hypothetical case of potential child abuse and ask how she would handle the situation. 27 If the candidate expresses any reservation in following the church child protection policy in response to a hypothetical case, it is a fair assumption that he or she will also hesitate when confronted with an actual case.

An oral screening is not a panacea and, similar to a background check, will not catch most sex offenders. This is because many sex offenders understand the “right” answer to many questions and are more than happy to say whatever it takes to get near children. Nonetheless, an oral screening will assist in at least three ways. First, it sends the message that the church is serious about its child protection policies. 28 This may deflect some sex offenders to the extent they realize that a church serious about child protection will be more difficult to operate in than a church which only gives lip service to the protection of children. Second, it may take away an offender’s excuses when a church seeks to discipline or remove him for violating policies. For example, if the screener makes it clear that making sexual jokes around children is prohibited, the offender can no longer say “I didn’t realize that” when confronted for violating the rule. Third, an oral screening may help screen out those applicants who may not be child abusers but who will not be vigilant in enforcing the child protection policies.

5. Teach personal safety to children in faith-based schools

A personal safety program for children sends a powerful message that the faith community is aware of the need for personal safety and is willing to help if a child is harmed. 29”] A personal safety program is not the same as sex education. The teacher or other instructor is simply telling children that the parts of their body covered by bathing suits are not supposed to be touched by others and, when they are, they should tell someone. If the person they tell doesn’t believe them, they should keep on telling until they are believed. There are a number of personal safety programs that can be easily modified for a faith-based school. 30 In addition to teaching the children personal safety, it is important to provide instruction to the parents so that they can reinforce these lessons at home and will know how to respond if a child makes a disclosure.

Many faith-based schools teach fire safety, school crossing safety or even swimming safety and yet bristle at the thought of personal safety designed to empower children to protect themselves against offenders. Some professionals are opposed to personal safety classes because they believe the classes put the burden on the children to protect themselves. 31 However, these children have already been led by their perpetrators to believe there is nothing they can do to stop the abuse. A personal safety program may give them a way out. In one case, a three year-old victim, who had received personal safety instructions from her church day care, subsequently reported to her mother being molested by a twelve-year-old boy. The boy confessed to the offense and was prosecuted in juvenile court. 32 This is not an isolated anecdote. 33

It is important to remember that, although some children may disclose as a result of a personal safety program, many children will never voluntarily disclose abuse. This is because child abuse, particularly sexual abuse, is engulfed in secrecy and the victim may fear repercussions for disclosing abuse. 34 It is also important to remember that many victims love their offender and count on their parent or other perpetrator for food, clothing, shelter and other basic needs. As bad as things may be at home, a child may fear that another environment will be worse.

6. Don’t investigate – report

When a child makes an outcry of abuse, many faith organizations decide they need to conduct a preliminary assessment or investigation to determine if the allegation is plausible before reporting the matter to the police. This is problematic for four reasons.

  1. First, it is unlikely that any church or other faith institution has forensic interviewers specifically trained to speak with a child about sexual abuse, police officers skilled at interrogating child sexual abuse suspects or mental and medical health professionals who can document physical and psychological injuries resulting from abuse. Simply stated, the church is not specifically trained to assess an allegation of child abuse and thus should refer the matter to the local authorities who are specifically trained.
  2. Second, any delay in reporting may result in the loss of critical evidence. 35 Evidence on the child’s body, for example, will absorb, transfer or be washed away. Lubricants, pornography, sexual toys or other objects used in the abuse of the child may be destroyed. The perpetrator may use any delay to pressure the child or others to minimize or recant an allegation. 36
  3. Third, any delay in reporting is likely a violation of the law. In most states, churches and other organizations or professionals serving youth are mandated to report to the authorities any reasonable suspicion of abuse. 37
  4. Fourth, a church conducting an incompetent investigation that taints the memories of witnesses, results in the loss of evidence, or that provides the perpetrator with an opportunity to threaten or pressure one or more victims into silence may, on that basis alone, expose itself to liability. This is because an incompetent investigation may fail to detect an actual abuser. If the abuser continues to offend, which is likely, the church conducting the original investigation may be held responsible.

There may be instances in which the government declines to investigate a report of abuse even though there is compelling evidence or even an admission of wrongdoing. If, for example, the sexual offense took place in another country while a pastor was a missionary, the local law enforcement agency may be unable or unwilling to take any action. In such a case, the church may need to conduct an internal, competent investigation. Failure to do so may result in future victims and will expose the church to liability. 38 If a church does not have as a member of the congregation a child abuse detective or other genuine expert, it may wish to retain such an expert to conduct the investigation or at least to serve the church as a consultant.

7. Develop church policies for sex offenders seeking to attend services or to join a congregation

Most offenders describe themselves as religious 39 and some studies suggest the most egregious sex offenders tend to be actively involved with their faith community. 40 According to a national survey of 2,864 church leaders, 20% of these leaders knew of at least one convicted sex offender who was attending or was a member of their church. 41 Accordingly, churches need to think in advance what their policies will be when a sex offender seeks membership in their congregation.

At a minimum, these policies should include:

Compliance with the law. The church should speak with the offender’s probation officer and with the local prosecutor’s office to determine if the offender can lawfully attend services or other functions at which children are present. If the offender is prohibited from attending public gatherings at which children are present, the church should inform the offender that under no circumstances will the church aid in a violation of the law. Once these boundary lines are clearly drawn, church leaders can then determine how to meet the offender’s spiritual needs.

Consultation with the sex offender’s treatment provider. If the offender is or has been in sex offender treatment, the church should require him or her to sign a release so the appropriate church leaders can speak with the treatment provider. This will assist the church in determining the potential dangers the offender poses to children and will also help the church leaders in meeting the needs of the offender.

Review of court and investigative records of the offender’s conduct. The appropriate parties from the church should review the original complaint filed against the offender as well as any records generated as a result. In many cases, an offender may have pled guilty to sexually abusing one child in exchange for dismissing allegations of abuse against other children. Indeed, the offender may even have confessed to abusing many more children but the other cases were dismissed as a result of the plea bargain. A complete review of these records will be more telling than simply examining the offender’s conviction record. In many states, accessing these records is as simple as visiting the court administrator’s office in the county where the perpetrator was convicted and asking to see any public files regarding the case.

Determine the level of supervision necessary to protect children. If the offender is considered a low risk by the government and his or her treatment provider, it may be possible for the offender to attend services but only under supervision of at least one and preferably two mature members of the congregation who will be with the offender at all times to ensure no children are harmed, and also to protect the offender from taunting or other misconduct that may be directed at him or her. If the offender is at a higher risk, or if there is any question as to risk, the church should establish separate services for the offender at his home or another location in which he can be ministered to. It may be appropriate to select a group of mature men who will also attend these services so that the offender can have some sense of fellowship. This scenario would allow the congregation to meet the offender’s spiritual needs without placing any child at risk. If the offender is a woman, the supervision should be provided by mature women from the congregation.

Even if the offender is at low risk, he should not be allowed to join a congregation where the victim attends services. If the offender abused a member of the congregation, he should be prohibited from joining the church. The congregation may work to find the offender another spiritual home but the emotional needs of the victim should always take priority. If it is necessary to find the offender a different church, it is critical to inform the new church of the basis for the offender’s removal. Otherwise, the offender may be given a “fresh start”—and access to a whole new set of potential victims.

The church leaders should inform the congregation of the offender’s request to attend worship or to join the congregation and take into account the needs of the entire church body. Offenders thrive on secrecy and they, and the community as a whole, are best protected when there is an open discussion of their conduct and their presence in the pew. Church leaders who believe they can keep secret the presence of a convicted sex offender are engaging in wishful, even dangerous thinking. In an age in which sex offender registries and conviction records are easily accessible online, members of the congregation will eventually discover an offender is present and may feel betrayed that the church hierarchy kept this from the members, particularly those members with children. Accordingly, the entire congregation should be informed of the situation and there should be a public discussion. The congregation should be particularly sensitive to the concerns of parents who worry that even if an offender is shadowed and otherwise monitored in such a way as to make additional abuse difficult, the offender may nonetheless have sexual thoughts when he or she is watching the children’s choir sing.

Even more importantly, church leaders should be sensitive to the fears of survivors of abuse who may be emotionally harmed by knowing there is an offender in their midst. Close proximity to a sex offender may be a weekly, painful reminder to survivors of their own suffering. Simply put, the church must minister to the offender in such a way that survivors are not re-victimized, emotionally or otherwise.

It is advisable to have a standing committee selected by the church body to oversee and enforce these policies. If the church or other faith entity has members with knowledge or experience in responding to or working with cases of sexual abuse it is wise to ask them to be part of this committee. If the church permits outside members to serve on such a committee, it may be helpful to have someone from the local law enforcement agency, social service department or prosecutor’s office to at least serve in an advisory capacity to the committee. The members of the committee themselves should be subjected to a background check. Needless to say, it will be difficult to regulate a sex offender in the church if the committee charged with his oversight also includes a sex offender.

8. Be cognizant that many offenders are seeking “Cheap Grace”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a Lutheran minister executed by the Nazis because of his opposition to the government. 42 Perhaps Bonhoeffer’s greatest contribution to theology was his recognition of the dangers of “cheap grace,” which Bonhoeffer defined as “grace sold on the market like cheapjacks’ wares. The sacraments, the forgiveness of sin, and the consolations of religion are thrown away at cut prices.” 43

Many sex offenders have found the value of “cheap grace” in faith communities. Simply put, these sex offenders have come to realize that if they cry readily and mouth the words of repentance they won’t have to take any action to remedy the damage they have inflicted. According to sex offender treatment provider Anna Salter, “If children can be silenced and the average person is easy to fool, many offenders report that religious people are even easier to fool than most people.” 44

Numerous clergy have been confronted with an offender who confesses to sexually abusing a child, emotionally expresses remorse and pledges abuse will never happen again. The offender begs for God’s forgiveness and some members of the clergy are quick to absolve the sinner and the sin. When this happens, many offenders return home, realize how easy it is to be forgiven and will molest their child again.

Given the manipulative nature of many offenders, members of the clergy may wish to ask a series of questions to determine the seriousness of the offender’s repentance. The pastor may wish to ask the following questions:

  • Have you informed your spouse that you have sexually abused your child? If your wife wants you to move out of the house, are you willing to do it? If the child victim wants you to leave the house are you willing to do it?
  • Have you informed your child’s medical provider that you have violated her body?
  • Have you referred your child to a counselor to assist in coping with the abuse you have inflicted on him or her?
  • Do you hold yourself fully responsible for your conduct – or do you believe your victim in some way contributed to the abuse?
  • Have you turned yourself in to the police? Are you willing to confess your crimes to the police or will you make them “prove it”? If the government files charges for crimes you have committed, will you be pleading guilty or will you force your child victim to testify publicly and be grilled by any attorney you hire?
  • Are you willing to enroll in a sex offender treatment program?

An offender who is confessing sexual misconduct but is unwilling to address the physical or emotional needs of his victim, to disclose the abuse to his spouse or to seek sex offender treatment may be seeking forgiveness but is giving no indication of an intention to repair the damage inflicted or to reform his behavior. Given the serious criminal nature of the conduct, an offender unwilling to turn him or herself into the police should be subjected to church discipline – not the recipient of sacraments. 45

Some members of the clergy have told me that such harsh treatment of an offender removes the gospel from the pastor’s work. 46 When this happens, I often ask the objecting pastor how he would handle a situation in which a parishioner confesses to having committed numerous thefts, asks God’s forgiveness for his crimes but freely admits he has no intention of returning any of the stolen property to his victims, much less turning himself into the police. When confronted with this hypothetical, pastors have always told me they would not pronounce forgiveness since it is clear the offender is not truly penitent. The very same principle must be applied to the sex offender unwilling to hold himself accountable to the authorities or to do everything within his means to assist the children he has harmed.

9. Develop policies for responding to an allegation within the faith community

In addition to reporting an allegation to the police, the church should determine in advance how it will handle an allegation of sexual or other misconduct made by a child in the congregation against another member of the congregation. At a minimum, the accused offender should be suspended from activities involving children until the case is fully considered by the authorities. Even if the authorities decline to prosecute, this may not resolve the matter. For example, there may be credible evidence of child abuse but the government has determined it cannot prove the abuse beyond a reasonable doubt, or there may be a legal barrier to admitting a suspect’s confession or other evidence. It is also possible the government declines to prosecute because no crime was committed and yet the offender’s conduct is deeply concerning. In one case, for example, a Christian school teacher was discovered to be chatting online with a student in which he admitted having sexual thoughts about the child.

Although the church reported the incident to the police, law enforcement concluded a crime had not yet been committed. Although the government may have been unable to take action, the church certainly can. Simply put, the admission of sexual thoughts about a child, much less the communication of these thoughts to a girl, warrants immediate removal from teaching or other duties that places this man in the company of children. Accordingly, even when the government declines to prosecute, the church should fully assess the allegation and take appropriate action.

10. Policies must be accompanied with training

Employees or volunteers in a faith setting must receive annual training not only on church policies pertaining to child abuse but also on recognizing and otherwise responding to cases of child maltreatment. There are a number of training materials that can assist the faith community in carrying out this function. 47

Conclusion

According to Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” 48 Faith communities must recognize the attraction of child abusers to their institutions and must be proactive in keeping children safe. Failure to do so will result in additional cases of abuse, and in lifetimes of agonizing physical, emotional and spiritual damage.

Ref. Footnotes PDF

Definitions of Child Abuse

Definitions of Child Abuse


There are numerous federal and state laws that define child abuse and neglect. In determining whether or not a specific action violates civil or criminal law, it is necessary to consult with local authorities. The following general definitions of child abuse and neglect are taken from the World Health Organization and the International Society on Child Abuse and Neglect. In reviewing these definitions, Christians should keep in mind that God’s standards are much higher than earthly standards. In God’s eyes, for example, even lustful or hateful thoughts about a child constitute abuse in direct violation of God’s commandments (Matthew 5:21-22; 27-30).

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse of a child is defined as the intentional use of physical force against a child that results in – or has a high likelihood of resulting in – harm for the child’s health, survival, development or dignity. This includes hitting, beating, kicking, shaking, biting, strangling, scalding, burning, poisoning and suffocating. Much physical violence against children in the home is inflicted with the object of punishing.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is defined as the involvement of a child in sexual activity that he or she does not fully comprehend, is unable to give informed consent to, or for which the child is not developmentally prepared, or else that violates the laws of society.Children can be sexually abused by both adults and other children who are – by virtue of their age or stage of development – in a position of responsibility, trust or power over the victim.
Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse involves both isolated incidents, as well as a pattern of failure over time on the part of a parent or caregiver to provide a developmentally appropriate and supportive environment. Acts in this category may have a high probability of damaging the child’s physical or mental health, or its physical, mental, spiritual, moral or social development. Abuse of this type includes: the restriction of movement; patterns of belittling, blaming, threatening, frightening, discriminating against or ridiculing; and other non-physical forms of rejection or hostile treatment.

Neglect

Neglect includes both isolated incidents, as well as a pattern of failure over time on the part of a parent or other family member

to provide for the development and well-being of the child – where the parent is in a position to do so – in one or more of the following areas:

  • Health
  • Education
  • Emotional development
  • Nutrition
  • Shelter and safe living conditions.

Source: Preventing Child Maltreatment: A Guide to Taking Action and Generating Evidence

Understanding and Preventing Child Sexual Abuse

Understanding and Preventing Child Sexual Abuse


Understanding and Preventing Child Sexual Abuse: A Primer for Parents and Caretakers

By Victor I. Vieth and Alison Feigh

The trial of Jerry Sandusky has caused parents and others entrusted with the care of children to ask a number of questions about child sexual abuse and about the role of parents in keeping children safe. Some of the common questions parents have asked the National Child Protection Training Center, and our answers, are below.

How do children disclose sexual abuse?

Generally speaking, children don’t intentionally disclose their victimization. 3 There are many reasons for this. As adults, we would feel uncomfortable publicly disclosing even positive sexual experiences with our marriage partners. In the same way, children are understandably reluctant to disclose their sexual experiences—particularly when the experiences are negative. Since most abuse is at the hands of a loved one, the child may be worried what will happen to their parent, and to them, if the parent is removed from the home. A boy may be worried that disclosure will cause him to be labeled as weak or that it will say something about his sexual orientation. Children who have a biological reaction to sexual abuse may blame themselves for the abuse. If a child didn’t say no because they were confused or afraid, they may blame themselves for not being able to get away. Some children have been threatened or had their pets threatened as a means of coercing them to maintain the secret. One survivor of abuse told how her father tortured her cat as a means of keeping her quiet. Children who have been photographed may be scared that the images of them being sexually assaulted by a loved one will be shown on television or on the Internet. As a result of these and other dynamics, many victims carry their secrets into adulthood, even to the grave.

If children seldom intentionally disclose child sexual abuse, how does the victimization come to light?

In many cases, the child makes an accidental disclosure. In one school, for example, the children were asked to keep a journal as a means of encouraging them to write. One of the children wrote in her journal about her father sexually abusing her, unaware that the teacher would be collecting the journals. In another case, a girl was staying over at a friend’s house and the mother of her friend overheard her bedtime prayer: “Dear God, please don’t let dad have sex with me on my birthday.” Sometimes, older children disclose abuse as part of an angry outburst. In one case, a father denied his teenage daughter the keys to the car and, at a family reunion, the daughter angrily denounced her dad and called him a child molester.

Sometimes, a child will tell a best friend who discloses the abuse to an authority figure. In one case, a 14 year old rape victim detailed the abuse in a letter to her best friend in northern Minnesota. The letter was discovered by the mother of the victim’s friend.

Sometimes a child may present to the doctor with a sexually transmitted disease or perhaps a parent or other party will walk in on the abuse. In one study, 54% of child molesters admitted that, on one or more occasions, they had sexually abused a child with another child in the room and 23% had molested a child with another adult in the room. 4

Apparently, the increased risk of getting caught enhanced their excitement. Moreover, if they could abuse the child with others in the room, this would increase the child’s feeling of helplessness. Perpetrators might do this by abusing a child while a spouse is also in the bed sleeping or may begin to fondle her or him while watching TV under the same blanket with a child.

Children or teens may disclose following a training on personal body safety. Abuse may also come to light after adults have received training on warning signs and how to talk about abuse prevention to the children in their care. Even with training, children may not disclose and adults must remain the primary protectors of children.

Are certain behaviors indicative of being a child sexual abuse victim?

Most behaviors consistent with being abused are equally consistent with other causes. A child experiencing nightmares could be a victim of abuse or could simply be a child who watched a scary movie. However, research from William Freidrich of the Mayo Clinic has identified sexual behaviors in young children that are not diagnostic but have a correlation to that child being victimized sexually. 5

When these behaviors are observed in children below the age of 6 there is a chance that child has been victimized sexually or has been exposed to pornography or other sexually inappropriate activity. These behaviors include inserting objects in their body cavities, manipulating genitals with an object, acts of oral sex, and imitating sexual behavior with dolls. In one school, the after-school worker discovered a 7 year old girl performing cunnilingus on a 5 year old girl. The fact that such a young child is aware of this sexual act, much less performing it, is suggestive of sexual abuse or exposure to developmentally inappropriate sexual material. Simply stated, the child did not acquire this knowledge by watching Sesame Street.

If a child demonstrates a shift of behavior, suddenly has difficulty concentrating, or suddenly wants to disengage from activities that they liked in the past, those are signs for a caregiver to engage. The signs may not indicate abuse, but they do present opportunities for parents to connect with their children.

If the child doesn’t want to talk about the issue with a parent, brainstorm together other adults that both the parent and child trust who can be asked to check in about the problem. Every child should have five adults whom they can talk to about problems. Asking one of the five adults to check-in can serve as a powerful reminder that the world is full of adults who want children to grow up healthy, safe, and strong.

If the day care, school, summer camp, or church my child attends conducts a criminal background check on workers and volunteers, is that enough to make sure my children are safe?

Although a criminal history check may satisfy the school or camp insurance company, it does little in identifying a potential predator. Most predators do not have a criminal history. Studies indicate there is no better than a 3% chance a sexual predator will ever be apprehended. 6 When predators are apprehended, many have accumulated hundreds of victims. There is in the Wisconsin prison system a predator who has confessed to sexually abusing more than 1,200 children. 7 A study of 561 non-incarcerated sex offenders concluded these men sexually abused 195,000 victims. 8 Simply stated, a criminal history check is a good first step, but it is not meant to stand alone.

If a background check, by itself, is not enough, what sort of policies should I make sure are in place at the schools or camps my child attends?

At a minimum, parents should look for the following policies:

  • Two-deep leadership. If at all possible, children should always be in the care of at least two workers. Even if a worker or volunteer has to remove a child from the group for a legitimate reason, the child and the worker should always be in the eyesight of at least one additional worker or volunteer. When developing two-deep leadership teams, it may be wise to avoid placing close family members or friends as teams. This is because a spouse or other close family member is more likely to protect a loved one who violates church rules or engages in concerning behavior with a youth.
  • Respect the child’s privacy. Sex offenders like to see children undressing or otherwise seek an opportunity to initiate conversation about sexual topics. Accordingly, workers and volunteers should avoid watching children undress in locker rooms, showers, or bathrooms.
  • Separate sleeping accommodations. At boarding schools, camps, or other overnight settings, there should be separate sleeping accommodations for children and the adults. If there is a reason for an adult to enter the sleeping accommodations of children at night (i.e., a child has become ill), the exception should be well documented and, if at all possible, two adults should be entering the sleeping area. When requiring separate sleeping accommodations, make it clear this means truly separate. In one case, an offender arranged an overnight with youth during which he had an adjoining room door he could easily open and otherwise gain access to the children he molested.
  • Limit, if not prohibit, events at a worker’s home. In one case, a youth minister had the children he was working with over to his house for a party in which all the children joined him in a hot tub where he instructed some of the children how to masturbate with the jets. Again, sex offenders seek private access to children and allowing a worker to be alone with children at his or her house increases the risk. If there is a legitimate reason for hosting an event at the worker’s home, have some rules around such activities—such as an additional worker present. In the same vein, there should be regulations on workers visiting the homes of children. In more than one case, church or other workers have visited children at their homes and have molested them there. 9
  • Appropriate attire. Adult workers and volunteers should wear appropriate clothing at all times. Activities such as skinny dipping should always be prohibited. Again, offenders look for opportunities to initiate inappropriate sexual conversations with their potential victims. Accordingly, sexually suggestive or otherwise inappropriate apparel or behaviors should be prohibited.
  • Sexual jokes, comments, or behaviors around children should be strictly prohibited. In one case, a “Christian” teacher told the boys in his care about the frequency he had sex with his wife on his honeymoon. The same teacher would slam on the brakes when driving the school van and comment to the boys this was merely a “ball busting exercise.” A worker at a church boarding school hosted a pizza party where the invited adolescent girls were “accidently exposed” to his pornography collection.
  • Open windows and open doors. There may be times when a teacher or other adult will need to be alone with a child, such as a teacher giving a child a music lesson. In such a scenario, it is important to have an open-door policy where fellow teachers or others can enter unexpectedly and to have windows on doors so others can see what is happening in a particular room. Again, sex offenders look for opportunities to abuse children and it is the responsibility of a youth-serving organization to limit these opportunities. 10
  • Prohibiting corporal punishment. Corporal punishment of children is prohibited in most schools, day cares, and other settings. 11 There is a large body of medical and mental health research documenting that corporal punishment does very little good and is often harmful to children. 12 In settings where corporal punishment is allowed, children get mixed messages about telling. A child telling when someone hurts them is then discounted and told to ignore that feeling if the behavior is allowed. As an additional concern, sex offenders may view corporal punishment as a socially permissible means to touch a child’s buttocks or other intimate parts of the body. 13

How do I speak with my child about personal safety?

There are number of books and materials that parents can use in speaking with their children. about personal safety. Some parents worry that personal safety is frightening or involves sex education. This is not the case. You are simply telling children that the parts of their body covered by bathing suits are not supposed to be touched by others and, when they are, they should tell someone. If the person they tell doesn’t believe them, they should keep on telling until they are believed.

Children should be encouraged to tell the person taking care of them if anyone is acting in a way that makes them feel confused or scared. Parents and caregivers can stress that even if the person giving them the “uh-oh feeling” or trying to get them to break their safety rules is someone that they know, they can still tell and it isn’t their fault. The greater risk to children is people that they already know, but that relationship often makes it harder to tell.

Some professionals are opposed to personal safety classes because they believe the classes put the burden on the child to protect themselves. If this logic is carried to the extreme, we would stop teaching children not to play with matches. We want a child to know what to do if they see a matchbook without assuming they would know what steps to take to fireproof a home. Children who have been sexually abused have often been led by their perpetrators to believe there is nothing they can do to stop the abuse. A personal safety program may give them a way out. The responsibility for personal safety should not rest solely on the shoulders of a child, but giving children good information can help start important conversations and keep them safer.

How will I know when my child is trying to tell me about child sexual abuse?

Recognize that a child making a disclosure of abuse may do it piece-meal or in a manner that distances him or herself from the abuse. For example, a child may approach a parent after a personal safety lesson and ask him/her “if something like that happened to my friend, who should she tell?” The child may have a friend who has been victimized or she may be seeking more information before deciding if she wants to disclose her own abuse. An appropriate response may be to reiterate the importance of telling and then ask the child directly if anything has happened to them. Many children will not disclose unless directly asked. This is particularly true given that most child sexual abuse is at the hands of someone the child is close to and may love.

Starting “What if” games with a child when the child is young is a good way to begin these important conversations about safety. Allowing your child a chance to problem solve with a “What if” can increase their confidence on these subjects. Thinking through a “What if” scenario and coming up with good solutions can make it easier to make those same choices if the actual scenario presents itself. It also allows the caregiver to reinforce important messages.

Parent : “What if an older child asked you to play a secret touching game with them for $5?”

Child: “I know that we talk about touches in our family. I would not take the money and would come and tell you about it.”

“Great answer! You know that your safety is worth more than any amount of money, right?”

What should I know about how sexual predators select children?

Many predators put a great deal of thought into selecting, grooming, and abusing their victims. They often look for children whom they believe will fall into their attention/affection trap. Consider this report from a predator targeting church children:

First of all, you start the grooming process from day one…the children that you’re interested in…. You find a child you might be attracted to…. For me, it might be nobody fat. It had to be a you know, a nice-looking child…. You maybe look at a kid that doesn’t have a father image at home. You know, you start deducting. Well, this kid may not have a father, or a father that cares about him. Some kids have fathers but they’re not there with them…. Say if you’ve got a group of twenty-five kids, you might find nine that are appealing…. Then you start looking at their family backgrounds…. Then you find out which ones are most accessible. Then eventually you get it down to the one you think is the easiest target, and that’s the one you do. 14

Since predators seek vulnerable children, it is wise to pay attention to children at greatest risk. Children and adults who are physically or mentally disabled, children engaging in delinquent behavior or who are having trouble with drugs or alcohol, or simply children of a single parent may be an easy target for predators.
Will being engaged in my child’s life and proactive in monitoring my child’s activities deter a potential predator?

Parents who understand that a predator may look for the one child at basketball games, band concerts, or other school events that never has a parent attend or otherwise demonstrate interest in their son or daughter may choose to take a greater interest in their child’s life. Parents must also understand the dangers of the Internet. A University of New Hampshire study found that 20% of children between the ages of 10-17 have been solicited for sexual purposes. 15 If a parent would not allow an unsupervised adult to enter the child’s bedroom, then a parent should not allow Internet accessible computers in a child’s room or even allow the child to enter chat rooms where predators abound. Tell your child to save their questions about their bodies and sex to ask you or another approved adult in person and not to seek out those answers from people wanting to chat online.

What sort of therapy should I refer my child to if he or she has been victimized?

It is essential that the counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist be experienced in working with victims of sexual abuse and be well versed in the abundant research on treating children suffering from trauma. Keep in mind that most psychologists received little, if any training at the undergraduate or graduate level on child sexual abuse. 16 Accordingly, if a given therapist has not taken the initiative to master the literature in this area and is not experienced in working with this issue, he or she is simply not competent to work these cases. If your community has a child advocacy center certified by the National Children’s Alliance, contact that center for a referral. 17

Where can I acquire additional information?

The Jacob Wetterling Resource Center (JWRC) is a program of the National Child Protection Training Center. JWRC has numerous resources for parents on speaking with their children about safety and keeping children safe when out of a parent’s care, including a class on how to talk to children about body safety in a positive and empowering way. To learn more, visit JWRC at www.jwrc.org.

JWRC employees and volunteers train parents, children, caregivers, and professionals about personal safety. Recently, one of our speakers was working with children on writing out individual lists of each child’s five trusted adults. Children were offering plenty of examples of the people in their lives they can go to if they have a problem. Children were taught that we have five adults in case the first adult doesn’t know what to do, isn’t around at the time of the question, and that sometimes it is the adult on their list that is trying to get them to break a rule or is giving them the “uh-oh” feeling. The children were told if the first person on the list can’t help, move on to one of the other 4 adults. The room was full of positive energy as children were making lists of 5, 10, and even 15 adults in their lives that they could approach for help. One little girl looked up with wide eyes and said, “Isn’t it great that there are so many good guys in the world!” That is the good news. There are so many people in the world who want to do their part to create safe childhoods for children. How would our world be different if people protested in the streets anytime a child was hurt? Our best protest is prevention.