Dear Fellow Survivor Blog: Leaning on my brothers

Dear fellow survivor,

Last week, I wrote to you about the group of friends (I call them my brothers) whom I have gathered around myself to help me bear my burden. This week, I had planned to talk to you about the specific benefits I derive from having this group of brothers who help me bear my burden. I wanted to talk about how being able to talk to them helps remove the shame I might otherwise feel, since if I can talk about something I don’t need to be ashamed of it. I wanted to talk about giving yourself the gift of vulnerability.

But then I woke up this morning.

A little background first. My mind finally seems to be starting to let go of the horrible lie that has imprisoned me for almost four decades. I’m not going to express that lie right now, since even to mention it gives it more power to hold onto my mind. But, given what I’ve written in the past, you probably can guess what that lie is. That lie has caused me enormous pain for a very long time. But my mind was familiar with it.

Now, my mind is moving into new and unfamiliar territory.

Unfamiliar is uncomfortable, and uncomfortable feels unsafe. When I feel unsafe, my mind goes into self-defense mode. And that is what’s happening right now.

I met with my therapist yesterday. He confirmed my evaluation of what’s going on and encouraged me to do everything I can NOT to think too much about this. What I need to do right now is not think but do. No assessments, just observations. Be OK with being uncomfortable in this unfamiliar territory because eventually the unfamiliar will become familiar, and familiar will become comfortable, and comfortable will feel safe. So that’s what I’m really working to do right now.

What follows is a long series of text messages I sent to four of my brothers from the time I woke up this morning until the time I was sitting in my car after my morning workout at the gym. The messages will describe what I was going through.

And, I pray, they will show you much better than I could ever describe how valuable it is to have a close group of brothers or sisters who are there to help you carry your burden. I could not have made it through this morning without my brothers there. And, in case you’re wondering, they were totally fine with me starting to text them at 5 AM. They are my brothers, and they are there for me.

I pray that my experience with my brothers will encourage you to build your own group of brothers and sisters on whom you can lean when you are struggling.

You are not alone. Please, dear brothers and sisters, don’t try to carry your burden as if you are all alone.

In Christ,

Your Brother Survivor

5 AM. Alarm goes off. The VERY first thought in my head is the lie that has tormented me for so long. Satan has put it there. He knows I’m starting to heal. He hates that and will do everything he can to prevent it.

I immediately grab my phone and start texting my brothers.

Thank you, brothers, for walking with me this morning. Blessings on your day.