Dear Fellow Survivor Blog: Coming Out into the Real World

Summary

This is a blog post series by the author who wrote the devotion series "Dear Survivor". Follow along as he blogs about the background of his experience on his continued journey of healing.

Dear fellow survivor,

Are you living in the real world? I ask because I recently discovered that for most of my life, I haven’t been living in the real world. Instead, I’ve been living in a false world of my own making that was founded on a lie. This false world encompassed every area of my life. It controlled my thoughts. It affected my relationships. It dictated how I saw myself and others. It seemed 100% real to me and made the real world that others described seem about as foreign as an alien planet.

Based on my conversations with other survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I know I’m not alone in constructing and living in a false world founded on lies. It seems quite common—and completely understandable—that a child would try to deal with the trauma of sexual abuse by constructing a different world in which to live.

That certainly is what I did. Fourteen-year-old me found himself in a world that made no sense. Things were happening that I could not comprehend. Someone I trusted was taking advantage of me and hurting me. My body was doing things I didn’t want it to do. I was feeling things I didn’t want to feel. I felt guilty. I felt powerless. I felt trapped. But how was I going to escape?

I escaped by creating my own world in which to live. In this world, I would make sure that I could be safe. No one would be able to hurt me the way that the person who was abusing me was hurting me. This safety would be based on the one thing that fourteen-year-old me could see made the difference between me and the person who was abusing me. That one thing was penis size. Large penises meant danger. Therefore, if I avoided any man who had a large penis—or, better yet, if I could somehow have a large penis myself—I would be safe.

And so, a whole world formed, founded on the lie that penis size matters. In this false, self-made world, I still hurt. I saw all other men as a threat because I invariably saw them as having a larger penis than I had. I saw myself as inferior because my body dysmorphia made it impossible for me to see my own body (or anyone else’s body) accurately. I felt as if everyone else was looking at me and laughing at me—inwardly if not outwardly—because of my “small” penis. But I had something that made sense to me, something I could act on to keep myself from being abused again. I had the proposition that penis size mattered. That, I was convinced, would keep me safe.

I can’t say for sure that you are living in a self-made world founded on lies as I was. I don’t know you or your situation. All I have is my own experience and the testimony of some of the other survivors of childhood sexual abuse that I know. Based on that, I would say that it is at the very least possible, perhaps even likely, that you are experiencing something like what I experienced.

Perhaps your self-made world is founded on the lie that you deserved what happened to you, that you asked for it even. That lie hurts. But you are convinced that it helps explain why your father did what he did to you. You don’t want to see your father as a monster. He’s your father. He’s supposed to love you, not hurt you. So, rather than see your father as a monster, you prefer to believe that you caused what happened. That hurts. But in your mind, it’s better than the alternative.

Or maybe your self-made world is founded on the lie that all men are evil sex fiends. That lie hurts, because it means you can’t trust, can’t even allow yourself to get anywhere close to, any man, even your husband. It’s easier—and feels safer—to demonize all men than it is to narrow the focus to just the man (or men) who abused you. Narrowing the focus potentially exposes you to other evil men who might take advantage of you. That’s too much danger for you to take. So, you live in a world where ALL men are dangerous. That hurts. But in your mind, it’s better than the alternative.

Or perhaps your self-made world is founded on the lie that no one, absolutely NO ONE, can EVER find out about what happened to you. That lie hurts because it places on your shoulders all responsibility for keeping your entire world together. If anyone ever finds out that you experienced childhood sexual abuse, your whole world will come crashing down and you will be destroyed. Everyone will see you as hopelessly damaged. They’ll blame you for what happened. Your family will explode. You’ll be completely isolated from everyone else and have no reason at all to continue in life. You recognize that the world in which you’re living right now completely isolates you as well. But at least no one else knows what’s going on. Everyone else still thinks you’re OK. The crushing weight of keeping your entire world together all by yourself hurts. But in your mind, it’s better than the alternative.

I don’t know if any of those self-made worlds sound familiar to you. Perhaps the world in which you live is based on a different lie altogether. But whatever the world in which you’re living looks like, we must take time to look around and see what’s going on.

That can be very unsettling, even frightening. I know. I’ve been doing that over the past several months. A few months ago, I told you that the lie that has ruled my mind for almost four decades, the lie that penis size matters, was finally starting to loosen its grip. Little did I know at that time how much still needed to happen for that lie finally to let go. I needed to come to terms with the fact that I was dealing with much more than just a single, powerful lie. I needed to realize that I was living in an entire self-made world founded on that lie. I needed to come to terms with the fact that the world in which I was living was NOT the real world. I needed to take the very uncomfortable, unsettling, even frightening steps of walking out of that painful, yet familiar, self-made world and into the real world.

Over the past several months, God has enabled me to take those uncomfortable, unsettling, but ultimately liberating steps out into the real world. This by no means makes me an expert on walking out of a self-made world and into the real world. But I’d like to share a few things that I’ve learned with you. I hope that my experience can provide you with encouragement and hope as you make your journey out of your self-made, painful, yet familiar world and into the real world.

 

Your young-self did an awesome job protecting himself/herself.

It would be very easy for me to look at fourteen-year-old me and say, “What were you thinking? Did you really think that focusing on penis size would keep you safe? Didn’t you know that you were setting yourself up for decades of pain? Why did you do this to yourself, to me?”

But that would be the entirely wrong thing to do. Young Me did nothing wrong in constructing a world in which he could feel safe. He did an awesome job doing exactly what God designed him to do. In the real world that he inhabited at that time, a large penis DID mean danger. It DID mean hurt. It DID mean guilt and confusion and everything else that Young Me was experiencing. So, it made PERFECT SENSE to Young Me that if I could avoid that large penis I would be safe. Young Me did exactly what he needed to do in seeking safety, even if it meant constructing a false world in which he was safe.

It is not Young Me’s fault that this world long outlived its usefulness. Nor, for that matter, is it Older Me’s fault. Blame for that falls on the person who abused me, who made Young Me feel as if this false world was necessary in the first place. God has helped me to see that it does me no good to fault Young Me for protecting himself. Instead of doing that, I can, with God’s help, recognize that the world Young Me constructed no longer is necessary and take the steps I need to walk out of it and into the real world.

The same is true for your young self. Young You did NOTHING wrong in constructing a world in which he or she could feel safe. Young You did an awesome job doing exactly what God designed your mind to do. In the real world in which you were living at that time, you WERE in danger. You NEEDED safety. It is not the fault of either Young You or Older You that this false world outlived its usefulness. That is the fault of the person who abused you and made this false world necessary in the first place. What you, with God’s help, can do now is recognize that the world that Young You constructed is no longer necessary.

You can take God’s hand and with him walk safely out of it and into the real world.

 

Much more than information, logic, and reason are needed to walk out into the real world.

I’ve KNOWN for a long time now that penis size doesn’t matter. My wife has repeatedly told me that. My college roommate has repeatedly told me that. My therapist has repeatedly told me that. My extensive research has told me that. LOGICALLY, I should have walked out into the real world a LONG time ago.

But I didn’t. I stayed in my own painful, self-made world built on a lie even though I KNEW the truth. The reason for this is I never actually BELIEVED the truth. Leaving my self-made world wasn’t a matter of information, logic, or reason. It was a matter of allowing a LOT of time for the truth to work its way into my mind, slowly put down roots, and become established there so that I could INSTINCTIVELY BELIEVE it.

My therapist compared it to the default program on a computer. You might have a computer that runs the Windows operating system. That operating system by default uses the Microsoft Edge browser. You’d rather use Google Chrome. But unless you purposely change the default browser setting, your computer will still default to Edge, no matter how much you want it to use Chrome.

God designed our minds to have “default settings.” Our minds need to be able to react without having to consciously think about everything. Changing those default settings takes time. A LOT of time. But, by God’s design and with his help, those settings do change. Eventually, God enables the truth to work its way in. The truth puts down its roots. It grows and slowly pushes the lies out.

And by God’s grace, the truth overwhelms the lie and becomes the new default setting in your brain.

If you feel as if the “default settings” in your brain, those settings that are based on lies, are taking too long to change, please be patient. Be patient with yourself and allow your mind to follow God’s well-designed process. Walking out into the real world takes much more than just logic, reason, and information. It takes time for God to do his work. He is working to plant the truth in your mind and have it put down roots and grow. Eventually, by God’s grace, the truth will displace the lie and become the new default setting in your mind.

 

Walking out into the real world is uncomfortable, unsettling, and frightening.

You would think that leaving a world full of pain would be easy. You would think that walking out into the real world where that pain is gone would be a welcome change. In my experience, it’s not. At least not at first.

I lived in my self-made world for thirty-eight years. That’s a long time. In that time, I became extremely familiar with that world. I knew how things worked. I knew what to expect. There were no surprises. Yes, it hurt to be there. But it was a familiar pain. I was used to it.

The real world was extremely unfamiliar to me. I had no idea how things worked. I had no idea what to expect. Every assumption that was “true” in my self-made world was utterly false in the real world. My self-made world and the real world were as different from each other as night and day, hell and heaven. That unfamiliarity was EXTREMELY uncomfortable for me. It was unsettling. It was frightening—frightening enough to make me feel as if it was better to stay in my self-made world where I was in pain but at least knew what to expect.

Stepping out into the real world requires courage—courage which God provides. During all those long and anxious days, weeks, and months when I was forcing myself not to retreat into my false, self-made world, God was with me, assuring me that I was OK. I was safe in him. I might not feel OK or safe. But I was. I didn’t need to feel OK and safe to be OK and safe.

If stepping out into the real world is uncomfortable, if you’re frightened because nothing is familiar, if you feel as if you’re never going to survive in this strange new place, that’s OK. It means you’re finally moving into the right place. You can’t expect the real world to feel familiar and comfortable when you haven’t lived there for a very long time. Rely on God to give you the courage that you need. Lean on him as you get used to this strange new world. Know that he is right beside you during all those long and anxious days, weeks, months, however long it takes. He will give you everything you need to sit in this unfamiliar and uncomfortable place until it becomes familiar and comfortable.

 

Take traveling companions with you as you walk out into the real world.

I know I keep coming back to this, but I truly believe that this is extremely important.

You need to have traveling companions to walk alongside you as you journey out of your self-made world and into the real world.

I can safely say that I would still be living in my false, self-made world where penis size means everything if it were not for those who have walked alongside me out of that world. My wife got me going on my journey and has been right beside me to love and encourage me every step of the way. My therapist has helped me confront the lies on which my false world was built. He helped me understand what was going on in my brain. He gave me tools for dealing with my feelings of fear and discomfort as I took my first faltering steps out into the real world. My friends have been walking alongside me, praying for me, loving me, and encouraging me.

My college roommate, who’s been my companion on this journey longer than almost everyone else, has been of special help to me. He’s always cared for me enough to tell me the truth, even when the truth wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Especially in the past few weeks, he’s been very pointed with me. He’s challenged me. He’s assured me that what I was learning about the real world was true. That I could safely step out of my false self-made world and breathe the fresh air of the real world without any fear.

Through all these people, God, my most important and most constant traveling companion, has always been present. He has worked through them to encourage me, remind me of his truth, assure me of his help, and make tangible his love and care for me. I cannot imagine making my journey into the real world without any of these traveling companions.

Please do not try to journey out into the real world by yourself. The real world can be scary right now because it is unfamiliar. You need traveling companions to love you, encourage you, and assure you that you are safe, even when you don’t feel as if you are.

Surround yourself with family, with friends, with your pastor, with a trusted Christian therapist or counselor. Recognize that in each of these people, God, your most important and most constant traveling companion, is working. Let these people encourage you with God’s encouragement, remind you of God’s truth, assure you of God’s help, and make tangible God’s undying love and care for you. God did not design you to make this journey on your own. Let those he has provided as your traveling companions walk alongside you with him.

 

The journey continues even after you come out into the real world.

About a week ago, when I first realized that I had finally stepped out into the real world, two important things happened. First, I felt profound gratitude to God for bringing me safely this far on my journey. He always was, as I said earlier, my most important and most constant traveling companion. Never did he abandon me. In addition, he provided me with the traveling companions and everything else I needed on my journey.

It is to his credit and glory alone that I have emerged out of my false, self-made world and into the real world.

The second thing that happened was the realization that my journey is not over. I may not be living full-time in my false, self-made world anymore. But that doesn’t mean that the lie on which that world was based is completely gone. Nor does it mean that Satan won’t continue to try to use that lie to drag me back into that former world of pain. Now that I am in the real world, I need to stay focused on the truth. I need to be on the lookout for Satan’s temptations and attacks. I need to remind myself of who I am as God’s child, that I possess God’s strength and his victory over Satan and all his allies. I no longer am where I once was. But I’m not at the finish line yet. That will come soon enough. But for now, I’m continuing to walk on the path God has laid out for me, confident that he will accompany me every step of the way.

I am confident that God can enable you to walk out of your false, self-made world and into the real world as well. And when he does, take time to recognize the amazing thing he has done for you. Then, keep walking. Your journey is not done yet. The finish line will come soon enough. Until then, remember who you are as a child of God, who possesses God’s strength and his victory over Satan and all his allies. And know that God will continue to accompany you every step of the way.

God bless your journey out into the real world, my dear fellow survivors.

In Christ,
Your Brother Survivor

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