Dear Fellow Survivor Blog: Talking with the Person Who Abused Me
Summary
This is a blog post series by the author who wrote the devotion series "Dear Survivor". Follow along as he blogs about the background of his experience on his continued journey of healing.
Dear fellow survivor,
A few months ago, I did something that I never thought I would do. I talked to the person who abused me (whom I’ll refer to as X) about what happened between us. This was not a decision that I came to easily. When the first therapist I worked with asked me if I wanted to talk to X, I was dead set against it. But when my current therapist asked me the same question several years later, I could tell that I needed to do it. I didn’t want to do it. But I could see the truth of what my therapist was telling me. I would not fully heal unless I talked to X about what happened.
So, I did it. I talked with him. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. But my therapist was right. This incredibly uncomfortable and difficult conversation was incredibly healing.
Talking with the person who abused you may not be something you ever do. However, the fact that both of my therapists encouraged me to talk with X tells me that I’m not the only survivor who will have a conversation like this. So, if your healing journey includes having a conversation you never thought you’d have with the person who abused you, I’d like to share with you some lessons I learned from my experience.
- Good can come from talking with the person who abused you. Talking with X was not something I wanted to do. For a long time, I saw no need for it. I believed that talking with him could only hurt, not help. I was wrong. My therapist was right when he told me I had things I needed to say to the person who had hurt me so that I could more fully heal. It was by no means easy or comfortable. But God used this conversation that I didn’t think I needed to bring about tremendous good. “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,” the apostle Paul tells us (Romans 8:28). That is true also when it comes to having a very difficult conversation with the person who has so profoundly hurt you. Even in that, God works good.
- If you decide to talk with the person who abused you, don’t do it alone. When X and I talked, we were by ourselves. But I was not alone. I had many people to help me both before and after that conversation. My wife was with me at home, encouraging me. My therapist met with me repeatedly to work through why I wanted to have this conversation and how I would do it. He also helped me work through things afterwards. My friends knew what was about to happen and were praying for me. My college roommate met me after my conversation with X and helped me decompress. I could not have done this without this network of friends and family surrounding me and lifting me up. If you decide to have a conversation like this, make sure you have a similar network of people to help you prepare and recover. No one should try to have a conversation like this alone.
- Know why you are going to have this conversation. As my therapist helped me prepare for my conversation with X, he focused on two things: why I was having this conversation and what I would say. Both things were important. If I went into this conversation unclear about what I was trying to accomplish, I would inevitably be disappointed. I couldn’t go in seeking vengeance. That would only hurt me. I couldn’t go in seeking satisfying answers to all my questions. Such answers didn’t exist. I couldn’t go in expecting a specific reaction from X. I had no control over how he reacted. What I could do is go in and say what I needed to say. I could go in and do what I was unable to do all those years ago. I could go in and confidently stand up to the person who had hurt me. I could go in and prove to myself that I was strong, I was safe, I was enough. If you decide to have a conversation like this, know why you are doing it. Talk it over with others, especially your therapist if you have one. Knowing why you are having this conversation can help lessen the chance that you’ll be disappointed when it’s done.
- Carefully work through what you will say ahead of time. As I prepared for this conversation, I knew that this was my ONE chance to say what I needed to say. I couldn’t just do this “off the cuff.” So, with the help of my therapist, I wrote what I needed to say in a letter. That way, the strong emotions and anxiety I knew I would feel during the conversation wouldn’t prevent me from expressing everything I wanted to. You don’t have to write everything in a letter, but planning in detail what you will say is helpful. That way, no matter how wild your emotions are as you’re having the conversation, you’ll be able to say what you need to say.
- Be prepared for anything. My therapist stressed that one big thing I had NO control over in this conversation was how X would react. He could be apologetic. He could be defensive. He could be angry. He could make excuses. He could yell profanities at me. He could deny it had ever happened. He could blame me for what had happened. I had no control over any of that. What I could do is be as prepared as possible for any of these reactions. And I could make sure that I didn’t link the “success” of this conversation to any particular reaction that he might have. If you have a conversation like this with the person who abused you, you also will have no control over how they react. So, don’t link the “success” of this conversation to receiving a particular reaction from them. Go in confident that no matter how they react, God is with you. In him, you are safe. Because God is with you, you can hope for the best while at the same time being prepared for anything.
- No matter how the conversation turns out, count yourself successful for having the conversation. As I prepared for this conversation, my therapist told me that talking with X was the equivalent of asking Young Me to go back into the room where he had been abused and confront the person who had hurt him. He was right. That’s exactly what it was like. Merely having this conversation took tremendous courage. The fact that I was able to do it at all is a tremendous success. God blessed me with a conversation that went about as well as a conversation like this can go. X was profoundly sorry for what he had done, and he and I were able to begin to reconcile. That positive outcome was by no means guaranteed. But even if the conversation had gone poorly, even if X had denied that anything had happened, excused what he did, blamed me for it, or been defensive or profane, I still could count the conversation as a success.
I had the conversation. I said what I needed to say. Young Me courageously stood up to the one who had hurt him.
That is a success to be grateful for. If you decide to have a conversation like this, count yourself successful just for having the conversation. This requires immense courage, and you are showing how amazingly courageous you are merely by doing this.
I have no idea whether a conversation like this will be a part of your healing journey. However, I am glad that it was a part of mine. In this conversation that I never thought I’d have, God again proved that he is faithful to all his promises. He brings healing to the brokenhearted. He gives strength to the weak. He redeems all things. He works all things—even the most difficult things—for our good.
In Christ,
Your Brother Survivor
