Dear Fellow Survivor Blog: Healing from Hateful Words

Summary

This is a blog post series by the author who wrote the devotion series "Dear Survivor". Follow along as he blogs about the background of his experience on his continued journey of healing.

Dear fellow survivor,

Traumatized Me and I are a little over a month into our friendship (see my previous post “Becoming Friends with Traumatize Me”). During this time, we both have learned a lot. I have learned patience. I have learned to treasure each little step that we take together. Traumatized Me has learned to see himself and others in a whole new way. He’s learned that he doesn’t need to look at other guys to see what his body should look like. He can just look in the mirror at the remarkably and wondrously made body that God has given him. That body is everything that it should be. It is in no way lacking.

Those words hit home for me recently.

Most recently, Traumatized Me and I have learned the astounding power of words.

When I was a child, I learned the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Most children learn that saying. It’s a well-meaning saying. It’s meant to help children understand that they should not pay attention to every insult or mean word that someone says to them.

That saying, however, is a lie. Words do hurt. Traumatized Me and I have discovered that words have hurt us profoundly.

This is where I’m going to have to get explicit.

I’ve already mentioned in previous posts that part of the trauma I experienced when I was abused was the comparison I made between my pre-pubescent penis and the post-pubescent penis of the person who abused me. (From here on, I’ll refer to the person who abused me as X.) There was an obvious and significant difference in size. That image stuck with me and affected how I saw myself from that point on.

Recently, however, I realized that I was not the only one who made that comparison. X made that comparison too. And he talked about it.

I cannot remember exactly what he said. But I know he talked about the difference in size between us on several occasions. And regardless of the exact words he said, here is the message that Traumatized Me took with him, and kept with him for nearly forty years:

“Look at how much smaller your penis is than mine! Real men have big dicks, like I do. All the guys in porn have big dicks. Women love big dicks. You’re not a real man unless you have a big dick like mine.”

I think he also may have mentioned that eventually my penis would get bigger as I went through puberty. But that part was completely lost on me. What stuck were the words that I was small. I was less than. I was not and never would be a real man unless I had a big penis like him.

Earlier this year, I mentioned these comments to my therapist. “Do you think I need to work through this?” I asked him. “Do I need to confront those comments?”

My therapist said, “It’s not what I think you need to do. Do you think you need to work through them?”

At the time, I thought I was OK. They were just words. Words can’t hurt me, right?

But X’s words did hurt me. They hurt me deeply. I see that now. In fact, I see X’s comparison and his comments as lying at the root of many of the things I’ve struggled with.

Many people—from my wife to my college roommate—have told me that I don’t need to worry about the size of my penis. Traumatized Me never truly believed them. X said I did need to worry about it. And what he said held sway in my mind.

Many people have told me that penis size means nothing. Traumatized Me couldn’t bring himself to believe them. X said it meant a lot. And what he said held sway in my mind.

Many people told me that no one else was checking me out. No one else cared about the size of my penis. Penis size truly wasn’t an issue that most guys thought that much about. Traumatized Me couldn’t believe any of that either. X checked me out. X cared. X commented on it and made an issue of it. And what he said held sway in my mind.

So many things seemed to find their foundation in the comparison and comments that X made. How I saw myself. How I saw others. The importance I placed on penis size. The desire to look at other guys to see how my body should look. I could trace it all back to what he said. His words hurt me far, far more than I ever realized.

Dear Fellow Survivor, I know that I’m not the only one who has been damaged by the hurtful words spoken by those who abused us. People who abuse others say things that cause real and lasting pain to those whom they abuse.

• “This is how people show love to each other.”
• “This is our special secret. No one else needs to know.”
• “If you tell anyone, what happens next will be all your fault.”
• “This is good for you. I’m helping you.”
• “Every boy does this. It’s part of normal sexual exploration.”
•  “This is the only thing you’re good for.”
• “Don’t say you don’t like this. I see how your body is responding.”
• “Do this or I’ll hurt you.”

Dear Fellow Survivor, I’m not trying to cause you pain. I’m not mentioning these hurtful words because I want to retraumatize you. More than anything, I want to help you heal.

I’m discovering, however, that to heal from these hurtful words we need to confront them. And to confront them, we need to recognize them.

Traumatized Me and I are in the process of confronting the deeply hurtful words that X said to me. We’ve thought about those words and we’ve realized that nothing he said was true. What he said about the importance of penis size was a lie. What he said about the difference in size between us meant nothing. What he said about how much others cared about the size of my penis was false.

This realization has confirmed and reinforced everything that Traumatized Me and I have been learning lately. We truly don’t need to worry about the size of our penis. Penis size means nothing. Only X thought it was important. No one else. And now we know that X was full of crap.

We truly don’t need to look at other guys to see what our body should look like. Our body already is everything that it should be. Only X thought our body was lacking. No one else. And now we know that X was full of crap.

Everything that was built on the foundation of what X said is crumbling along with his lying, hurtful words. We can jackhammer and bulldoze that entire demonic foundation and replace it with a new foundation. A solid foundation. A foundation built on the reality that despite what X said, we have always been remarkably and wondrously made. That reality has always been there, but because of X’s hurtful words, we struggled to believe it.

It always has been just X. No one else. None of what X said was true. X always was full of crap.

I cannot even begin to describe how freeing and healing these new—and true—words are.

Dear Fellow Survivor, I don’t know what hurtful words lie at the foundation of the things you’re struggling with right now. You may not know either.

I’m now almost three years into my healing journey and only now have I realized how foundational X’s comparison and comments were to what I was struggling with. The truths that people have repeatedly told me over the years, and that for a long time I’ve known were true—only now have those truths clicked in my mind and overcome the lies that X put there. It may be a while yet before you’re able to identify and confront the hurtful words that the person who abused you poured into your mind. But I pray that in your healing journey, you will have the opportunity, as I have had, not only to confront those hurtful words but also to destroy them with the truth.

• Sexual abuse is NOT how people show love to each other.
• The abuse you experienced is not your special secret. You can tell others. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Telling others is an important part of healing and helps overcome the shame you’re feeling. I’ve found that if I can talk about it, I don’t have to be ashamed of it.
• None of the abuse—or what happened surrounding the abuse—was your fault. None of it.
• Whoever abused you didn’t care about what was best for you. They weren’t trying to help you.
• Sexual abuse is not normal.
• You are not a sex object.
• How your body responded while you were being abused says nothing about whether you liked or wanted what was happening.
• Regardless of any violence that the person who abused you threatened before, they cannot hurt you now. You are safe.

The truths you will need to overcome the hurtful words that were spoken to you will be as varied as the lies. But God has a truth to overcome every lie and healing words that can destroy every hurtful word.

Here are just a few of those healing truths.

• You are a dearly loved child of God and more valuable to him than you can ever imagine. (1 John 3:1; Romans 8:32)
• In Jesus, you are holy and pure in God’s sight. (Ephesians 5:26-27)
• Nothing, not even childhood sexual abuse and all its horrible effects, can tear you away from God and his love for you. (Romans 8:38-39)
• Your body has always been God’s remarkable and wondrous creation. (Psalm 139:14)
•  In Jesus, you are not broken. You are whole. (Isaiah 42:3)
• In Jesus, you are strong, for you have his strength. (Isaiah 40:28-31; 2 Corinthians 12:8-10)
• What was done to you does not define you. What Jesus has done for you defines you. (Galatians 3:26-27)
• With Jesus by your side, you have nothing to fear. (Psalm 27)

Words can hurt. God’s words heal.

I pray that his healing words will fill your heart and mind and free you from the hurtful words that have held you captive.

In Christ,

Your Brother Survivor

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